Do not sell the wine of delusion

How do I delude myself...a thousand times a day. That is the reason to take refuge in the Buddha, Dharma and Sangha. This helps me to see much more clearly, listen to the Voice of the Eternal. And I try not to delude others...so that means watching what I say and what I do---the other Precepts help me to not delude myself and others.

Do not say that which is untrue

Oh Boy! This is the second big one for me after coveting. I learned so early on to protect myself with stories...from further hurt or abuse that I slowly lost the ability to speak the truth most of the time. It is just really recently that I've realized how freeing saying what is true is! I went through some time telling many people the things I had lied about. I was always careful not to hurt anyone or to go to quickly and hurt myself. Lots of compassion was involved there. As soon as I let go of many of these untruths and did not have to tell more untruths, I felt a great weight lift from me. It was amazing, although at times it is still so easy for me to begin to say that which is not true, to tell stories...which I'm very good at...so I have to be really vigilant about this Precept. It is not so easy, but the rewards are really worth it as well as the loss of stress. I remember a Bible verse that states it quite well, "The truth will set you free."

Do not covet

As I said yesterday, this is one of the more difficult ones for me. Wanting, having, clinging, clutching and wanting more has been part of my existence for so long. It is also almost everywhere outside and all around. I really had a moment of "seeing" last year as I was riding my bike and new Pepsi poster advertisements were going up all over the city. As I rode my bike along the bike path, every few meters there it was, the pepsi motto: "Ask for more". Over and over and over again: "Ask for more!"

And suddenly a voice inside of me asked, "Is there ever enough?!"

Yes, most of the time there is more than enough, often too much. From that moment on, I began to think about what is needed rather than what I want...and somehow thinking that way, I seem more content and have more gratitude. By thinking about what is needed, I also realized I'm more able to think about not taking more than is needed...in every aspect of my life. By letting go of wanting, a liberation comes...

Do not covet!

Do not steal/ Do not take that which is not given

At first I thought that this was too easy, just like killing. I mean I've never killed anyone and I most certainly haven't stolen. Since I was a child, I've been taught that stealing is wrong. Yet, when I really looked at this Precept, it was very clear...there are many times when I have taken that which was not being given or even taken more than was needed. There are the times, after teaching a seminar or someone in a one-to-one English course, where the whole teaching hour was not used...maybe just a few minutes, should I charge for that, is it stealing if I do? Those are the situations where careful thought must be given.

I have also seen that taking more than I need because of the "I want" coming into the picture that that is also a form of stealing. I tried to be careful now and really think, is this necessary and how much of "this"---whatever it is---do I really need. I tend to have my greatest problems with the next Precept, which I'll write a bit about tomorrow: Coveting, wanting, having, clinging, clutching, wanting more, not having enough of whatever. Stealing and coveting tend to have a very close connection for me.

I know as I worked through my addiction problems, I "stole" many people's peace of mind, especially those I love the most!

Do not take that which is not given!

On to Jukai...

So, here it is less than two weeks to Jukai and I thought I might write a little each day about The Ten Precepts and how I have thought about them the past year. I knew last April that I would attend Jukai this year, so I took time every so many weeks to examine one of The Ten Precepts and really think about it. Of course, even a year is much too short to completely get a feel for each one...but it is always interesting to see how they are so interrelated to one another. Today I'll start with the first in the list:

Do not kill

This seems easy at first, but there are so many different facets. Of course, simply not killing another creature is right. Why would I willingly take the life of another? Since all things are interdependent, it makes absolutely no sense. And again, it is important to look at the positive side, which is: how can I help prevent killing or preserve life. Often it is easy to turn away and let killing continue.

Then one day during the year, I realized when I became angry with someone that I had "killed" the good mood they were feeling and had caused suffering for them and of course for myself in doing that. There are endless ways to kill, not just the body of another.

Breaking myself off from the Unity of all life, is killing. Breaking others off from the Unity of all life is killing. I will refrain from killing...

Not being still, not listening...

Yesterday, I saw "Brokeback Mountain". It takes a while for movies to get here to Germany, but I was really touched by the movie for so many different reasons. First of all, because of what I've written in my blog about feeling like being Gay makes it not possible to be accepted as Buddhist...though those feelings are now long gone.

The movie itself is so full of the sadness and suffering of many things. First of all, the pain of not being able to be who one is because of cultural conditions. Not being able to express love causes in many cases suffering and hate, even self hate. This was very sad to see.

However, what affected me most was how none of the characters was ever really able to be still and to listen to what was True around them. How simple it is to be full of what we are told by others and not hear the voice of the "Eternal", the voice of what is Right. The whole movie shows how this creates only more and more and more suffering and sadness. But even then, at the end when we see the character have a realization about what is good and right, we see that a heart can be changed in an instant...that being still and listening can happen at any time and radically change us.

Be still...listen...hear...

What a sticky mess!

Yesterday, at a monthly retreat, Reverend Fuden spoke about how we have the tendency to "glue" ourselves to things, rather than being open and living out from our Center, from the Buddha Nature. This is something I can really understand...how I get myself into "sticky" situations, where I'm stuck to different things, glued to them, coveting them, grapsing---clinging---CLUTCHING! And even once I realize I have reached this point, it is hard to get out once I'm glued. In other words, it takes my training and meditation to slowly dissolve this glue, this sticky mess or MESSES that I get/ have got myself into.

A verse from the Dhammapada popped into mind:

Those who are attached to passions fall back into the 'stream',
Like a spider, on a self-spun web.
Having cut off even this, the wise proceed
Free of expectation, relinquishing all suffering.

XXIV, 347

And I always remember how sticky a spider web is and how uncomfortable it feels stuck to our face or fingers!

Clutching

This morning on the way to work, I saw the sun had already popped up above the horizon as I was crossing the bridge and I knew spring was really on the way. Although, this year winter is really hanging on, usually we would have rain and warmer temperatures now, but it is stil below freezing and there is snow all around.

Then I had a sad feeling about winter passing slowly away, and I really like winter and the sadness stayed for a moment and I realized it stayed because I was holding on, clutching to wanting winter...as soon as I let go, the beauty of the moment returned, the rising sun filled my attention...and the trying to hold on to the impermanent, drifted away...

Even the snow

knows to let go

In spring's growing sun.

Our stories, our selves

I just finished reading Taigen Dan Leighton's book: Faces of Compassion and I really liked at the end when he states:

...we learn that the selves we believe ourselves to be are fictions. The truth is wider and deeper than all the stories. We can recast our stories so that we are not caught by our stories, while still relating our stories as the most beautiful expressions possible for kindly awakening everyone from enslaving stories. Our addictions, misconduct, and confusion can be acknowledged in our enactment of an account of our liberation from these failings.
Buddhist liberation is about fully knowing our stories, and not being trapped by them. Stories have their own power. Trying to force our old stories to go away just reinforces their grasps on us. But after listening quietly and carefully to the old, worn fables we have been telling ourselves, or that we were trained to relate by our world, we can gently let them go, see that they are only a part of a greater story including all beings.

Also, while reading the book I decided to paint a picture of each one of the Bodhisattvas, using a Medieval and Celtic knotwork design. I finished the Kanzeon picture on Friday and will hang it in our meditation room.

Dis-ease and Death

I was coming home this afternoon, feeling quite refreshed and healthy after being to the gym. It was a good workout and my body felt strong and my mind relaxed. Then, suddenly, I came around the corner of the street that leads to our house and there was a police car with the lights flashing and a group of people standing around. I couldn't see any cars or even a pedestrian( thank goodness!), but I knew something was wrong. Then it came into view, there was a dead bird and since the Avian flu has been making its way closer and closer to our city, I knew what this meant. I could see from everyone's expression the dis-ease caused by both the thought of disease and the possiblity of dying. I had the same feeling...fear, dis-ease and thought for a moment only about myself, forgetting the suffering and death of the bird. Interesting to think about how I would react if the diesease became more contagious. Would I act with compassion or with fear?

Long Road to Jukai

Today the final registration for the Jukai retreat came and I began to think how long it has been since I've been on my journey to taking the Ten Precepts. It all started when I was only 18 years old and had my first creative writing class at university. My professor really liked what I was writing and said it reminded her of many of the poets who were influenced by Zen. Of course, I was so curious I began to read the poets and then I began to read about Zen. I wanted to learn to meditate and accidentally found a catalogue from Shasta Abbey in the university library. That summer I went to Shasta, taking the Greyhound bus from Denver! What a ride that was! At Shasta I finally felt for the first time in my life a spiritual home, but at the same time I was hit by an unexplainable feeling of panic and anxiety. I didn't say anything to any of the kind monks and left feeling very confused. Then, I became so involved with my academic life and graduate school and even worse I also became convinced that being Gay made it impossible for me to be Buddhist.

After graduate school and having quite a bit of success in life, I heard once again that "still, small voice" in my heart and I made another journey to Shasta. I was 29. This time I drove and I was going to stay a whole week. However, just after a few days the panic feelings returned and I lied to the Guestmaster and told him that I had received a call and had to go back to Denver for work. I can still see his compassionate face, filled with genuine concern for me. He really tried to talk to me, but my heart was closed. I wish I could tell him now that his kindness has always stayed with me.

Then I met my current partner, who is German, and I moved to Germany seven years ago because we could legally "marry" here. The "still, small voice" was still there and I got into contact with Throssel. I was ready to go to a retreat three years ago, but again this anxiety and fear. Finally, I was able to push through it at the same time that Reverend Fuden came to Germany. Now, for two years the growth inside of my heart has been incredible. When I went to Throssel in November, the anxiety and fear was gone. Soon, in April I will finally go to Jukai. Something I had wanted to do more than twenty years ago!

I still have no idea what the fear and anxiety was. Through a year of meditation, it simply dissolved. The wonderful thing is that: the "still, small voice" never goes quiet!

I would also like to bow in gassho to the monk who was the Guestmaster at Shasta at that time and to Reverend Fuden whose kindness and wisdom have helped me very much.

Blooming

I realized this morning how often I try to push harder with my training, this great desire to become better...of course this is grasping as well. I noticed a pot of Hyacinth and a tiny pot of miniature daffodils that I bought at the beginning of the week and without any need to force them, they have become so beautiful and have the loveliest scent. Then in a a daily devotional book by Anthony de Mello, I read this morning:

"Flowers forced to bloom have no fragrance; fruit forced to ripen have no taste."

Another reason to sit still in patience...not at all easy for me!