Long Road to Jukai

Today the final registration for the Jukai retreat came and I began to think how long it has been since I've been on my journey to taking the Ten Precepts. It all started when I was only 18 years old and had my first creative writing class at university. My professor really liked what I was writing and said it reminded her of many of the poets who were influenced by Zen. Of course, I was so curious I began to read the poets and then I began to read about Zen. I wanted to learn to meditate and accidentally found a catalogue from Shasta Abbey in the university library. That summer I went to Shasta, taking the Greyhound bus from Denver! What a ride that was! At Shasta I finally felt for the first time in my life a spiritual home, but at the same time I was hit by an unexplainable feeling of panic and anxiety. I didn't say anything to any of the kind monks and left feeling very confused. Then, I became so involved with my academic life and graduate school and even worse I also became convinced that being Gay made it impossible for me to be Buddhist.

After graduate school and having quite a bit of success in life, I heard once again that "still, small voice" in my heart and I made another journey to Shasta. I was 29. This time I drove and I was going to stay a whole week. However, just after a few days the panic feelings returned and I lied to the Guestmaster and told him that I had received a call and had to go back to Denver for work. I can still see his compassionate face, filled with genuine concern for me. He really tried to talk to me, but my heart was closed. I wish I could tell him now that his kindness has always stayed with me.

Then I met my current partner, who is German, and I moved to Germany seven years ago because we could legally "marry" here. The "still, small voice" was still there and I got into contact with Throssel. I was ready to go to a retreat three years ago, but again this anxiety and fear. Finally, I was able to push through it at the same time that Reverend Fuden came to Germany. Now, for two years the growth inside of my heart has been incredible. When I went to Throssel in November, the anxiety and fear was gone. Soon, in April I will finally go to Jukai. Something I had wanted to do more than twenty years ago!

I still have no idea what the fear and anxiety was. Through a year of meditation, it simply dissolved. The wonderful thing is that: the "still, small voice" never goes quiet!

I would also like to bow in gassho to the monk who was the Guestmaster at Shasta at that time and to Reverend Fuden whose kindness and wisdom have helped me very much.