First Encounter

Today I thought about the first time that I really encountered death and I was surprised how really late in my life it was. All of my pets lived long lives until I was in my early twenties, in fact, our cat Musette lived to be 23 years old! The first encounter was completely unexpected, a total surprise. I was in my freshman year at university, in the spring semester and my parents showed up to take me home as my grandfather---a strong and healthy man---had died unexpectedly.

This was one of the most beloved people in my life up to that time. My grandfather who took my fishing and knew that I never put a worm on my hook because I felt terrilbe killing something. He smiled and told me that was an admirable quality. Or this wonderful man who could make anything grow and had a huge garden every year, even planint different kinds of lettuce outside of the fence for the deer to nibble on and have a treat. This wonderul man who had hugged me and made me feel so deeply loved---he was gone.

I remember arriving home and walking out to the garden. It had all been freshly planted and the sprouts were just rising up. And there I wrote a whole poem, a poem that I later read aloud in my first creative writing class and there was silence from everyone and tears from a few. The pain was almost overwhelming and sadly I cannot find the poem anymore, it was published in the universities quarterly literary magazine. Today as I thought about this day of unexpected and such painful loss, I could remember the last line...the two pictures I had in my head, the garden and the graveyard and this was :

and You in a row, instead of planting

I also happened upon a poem from 2005 in my little book that I carry around with me that I scribble all sorts of things in and it said:

In autumn

In falling rain

You don't see

The tears

Of the turning leaves

As they fall.

Funny how different memories of loss rise to greet us at different times in our lives. I also thought happily, how I have my grandfather's first name as my middle name and how wonderful that is.